So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
