Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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