Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
