then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
