Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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