So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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