My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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