the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
