Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
50% drunk capacity currently
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
