so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
