as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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