Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
