There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
