He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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