shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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