Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
