Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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