i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
