oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
