My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
