HIV tests are more positive than that guy
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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