my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just found puke in my bra..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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