On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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