Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
