He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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