Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
