she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
