I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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