who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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