it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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