do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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