are you still at the devil's house?
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
