Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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