She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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