i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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