smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
