You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
