I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
