Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
