woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
