Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
