I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
