wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
