some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
