You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
