just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
