I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
