Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
