i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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