See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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