I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize