Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
