Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
