Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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