cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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