it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They took my balls.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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