I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
