Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
