watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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