My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
