We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
