Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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