Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
