I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
