Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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