Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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